Life has been rough lately. I've built up this bitterness, this sweet tasting clod of shit that eases my aching heart for awhile, while it rips others to pieces. My ungracefulness could cause me to throw up. It's really easy to point out other's brokenness, selfishness, and sin. But why? Why have I allowed myself to become so swallowed up by this disease?
Heartache. Pure and simple. I have this heart, and it flourishes best when it is at home. And it hasn't been home for a long time. Where is home? Home is in people, in love, in relationships, in the lost, the broken, the homeless. And no, these aren't figurative words. I mean that my heart flourishes when I am with broken people. My heart comes alive when I am spending time with people who live on the streets. My heart sings so freaking loud when I am doing what Christ has allowed me to do.
I burst into tears tonight. A group of doctors and nurses just got back from Harmons. I got a facebook message saying that I had a letter from Matilda! Oh my LORD I cannot wait to open that letter! And then I opened up this photo album of the medical trip that just got back, and memories, and heartache, and sadness, and jealously, and love, and sweat, and passion filled my soul. I burst out crying and couldn't stop looking at these pictures of my home. This place that I spent 3 long months, loving on people and experiencing more of Christ living in me than I ever have before.
God, it kills me knowing that I won't be back to Harmons for so long. Maybe (pray!) I'll go back to Jamaica this summer, but only the Lord knows when. And what kills me even more is knowing so many people who get to go down over Christmas and Spring break. I don't want people going there for their own experience or to do the "Christian thing" or to have the "mission trip experience." I want people to go and love those people. Not with a goal, or an outcome, or an agenda, or any other selfish, faithless thing. Love and let God happen. Build a house. 1 house for 1 family in 1 week. That's incredible. Bring a family some new clothes. That's incredible. Listen to a story. Incredible. Pay attention to a life. Incredible. LET GOD LOVE THROUGH YOU.
I sit here in Lakota Coffee Company, crying. Trying to write a post for others to read, when really, it's just for me. It's time to deal with heartache. It's time to think about these things, and not to just sit with a heart full of memories that only few know about. It's time to write letters, to pray, to seek the Lord. It's time to start picking off this creeping bitterness and to allow myself to be at home again.
This is probably the most vulnerable you'll ever see me get.
Lace
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